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| Original pencil |
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| Medibang, G pen |
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| CSP line, rough pen |
Monday, October 2, 2023
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
I wanna be famous, baby
In the 1% chance that someone else other than me sees this post, know that this was done as a fun thought experiment, because who doesn't dream of becoming famous?
This was done after being inspired by a Naver blogger who I follow, a currently 22-year-old person who dreams of becoming a jewelry designer.
They have not yet gone to college, and is still looking for a job - normally, I would have scoffed at their conditions. I was 22 once, and I too thought the world would be my oyster then. Years later, after countless rejections and numerous events beyond my control, I've been humbled, even become cyncial and rather pessimistic. You don't know what you're in for yet, child, the world will swallow you alive, I'd say.
But something about their cheeky declaration - the insistence that despite their situations, they WILL be famous one day, just you wait and see - was just so charming that my cynicism melted away and I found myself rooting for them.
I too, dream of being famous one day; not for jewelry design, but for my writing and drawing. Right now, I am working on a comic script, with the intent to make it into a fully-fledged webcomic series that I plan to post on Webtoons.
It's highly unlikely that Webtoons will pick up my series, and even more unlikely that Webtoons Korea will pick it up, but nevertheless, that is my dream - to gain a following for my story, and have English Webtoons pick it up.
Then, I will find out how Webtoons Korea selects English Webtoons works to display on their site. I will translate my comic series from English to Korean, and suggest if Webtoons Korea could pick up my work. After all, I already did the translation for them, so it's only a matter of whether they would like it enough to pick it up.
I will be known not only for my stories, but also for being the Webtoon creator who is fully bilingual and publishes their stories in both English and Korean. No longer will there be fan wars on the "correct" translated version, no dispute about how to spell the name of a character or where they are from, and no worries about getting my work translated by an amateur who misinterprets all my lines. It will be straight from the original source.
Of course, there will be those who criticize me for gaining clout for my bilingual abilities rather than my abilities as a storyteller or artist. But lesser webcomic artists have gained fame for more trivial reasons, so why can't I gain fame for being bilingual? After all, we're constantly told to promote our own "brand", and that is something that will certainly distinguish me from the other creators.
And did I tell you that I plan to be completely anonymous the whole time?
(Incidentally, the blogger person I mentioned in the begining also aspires to be famous while being anonymous; another reason why I was so drawn to them)
I have a pen name ready (my instagram handle), and my pen name and my works will be all that most people will know me by. I plan on being anonymous and unidentifiable on every other aspect of my life other than that.
Journalists and people will have to refer to me as they/them, as they know nothing about my identity. I will be a Mx. when addressed to, and I will stay that way, probably until death.
This is because of multiple reasons: 1) I am a terribly shy, introverted and sensitive soul 2) Due to my name being so odd, if I were to gain fame by my actual name, I would essentially never have a private life, at least in Korea. Never mind that I will also be causing inconvenience to like, the 2-3 people who share my full name. 3) I am a selfish bastard who only wants to enjoy the good parts of fame and not have my actual self be attached to any bad parts of fame.
So that is my little daydream of becoming famous. I am far older than 22 and I know I'm not in the best position to launch myself into fame. Hell, I'm notoriously bad at attracting an audience for any of my social media and blogs. But, just like that blogger declared - I WILL be famous one day, just you wait and see.
Monday, May 25, 2020
On why I decided to make comics, or at least try to
From a very young age, I had always wanted to become a fiction writer.
Throughout my life, friends, family and acquaintances told me that I was a good writer. I wanted to write my own book, a bestseller just like the Harry Potter series! I thought. This was also more or less encouraged by my mother, who loved the idea of her child becoming an author so much that it became her own personal dream as well.
To a highly privileged, highly sheltered, academically excelling teenager, everything seemed simple; I will go to a good college and major in literature, graduate and get a good job, and then finally write my masterpiece that will, inevitably, become the next Harry Potter series.
I am now thirty years old and laugh at how shockingly naive past me had been.
My mother still hopes that I will write and publish a novel some day, but I don't know if it will ever be that easy.
For starters, I am a Korean national married to an American, and I am planning to spend the next chapter of my life in the United States in the foreseeable future. But due to multiple personal reasons I intend to retain my South Korean nationality if I could help it.
Would an American publishing agent ever have the motivation to publish the works of a Korean national? The answer is probably no, unless said Korean national had something unique and irreplaceable that they could offer to the American publishing agent, like incredible knowledge about South Korean history or culture, things like that. Things that are important, yes, but things that I am not necessarily interested in writing about at the current stage of my life.
This is to say, I don't want to write about Korean things just because I am Korean. I realize that representation and identity politics are important, but for me, the expectation that one MUST write about Korean things because they are Korean seems suffocating, like being pigeonholed into another stereotype. I realize everyone has different thoughts on this matter but that is my honest opinion.
Besides, I have not grown up as a racial minority in America. Despite having grown up as a culturally confused third culture kid, racially speaking, my sense of identity is more rooted to that of being a racial majority in South Korea.
Then why don't you publish in Korea, where there will be no weird racial and national expectations put upon you? The problem THERE is that my Korean writing is nowhere near as good as my writing in English. During my internship at a newspaper company, I was told by a journalist that my Korean writing needed work - until I told her that I had barely lived in Korea during the then twenty five years of my life. She quickly switched gears and said that my Korean writing was amazing considering my life situation. THAT is the extent of my Korean writing skills; good for someone who was barely educated in it, but very, very far from being journalistic or literature material from an objective standpoint.
So what is a person like me, a Korean national who can't write well enough in Korean to crack into the Korean literature scene, yet has nothing appealing to offer to the Anglosphere do?
Meanwhile, I have also heard from friends, family and acquaintances throughout my life that I was a good artist. Of course, I am far from the best, and after my artistic hiatus in college and grad school, where I barely drew anything with effort, my skills have definitely gotten rusty. But generally, I noticed that I had been able to draw more complicated shapes compared to others, and I would get compliments for it.
Despite being told all my life that I was a good artist, I kept my artistic endeavors secondary to my writing as my mother determined that a writing-based career would be more valuable in the long run compared to an art-based career. And I agreed with her for two reasons; one, I was a very picky artist and essentially hated drawing things that others dictated for me, which is... the entire point of an art career. Second, I drew well but had very little sense of design or composition, qualities that would carry one much further in more realistic art-based careers such as graphic design.
I did think to myself that I would like to illustrate my own book if the opportunity allowed it, but the idea to make a comic did not occur to me until 2016, when I suddenly thought of a bunch of original characters which got me back into drawing more regularly.
I really wanted to share the images and stories of my characters with others, and for that there already existed a perfect medium; comics. More precisely, webcomics.
I had never formally worked on a comic, as in, I have never self-published or posted any webcomics to a website or any comic platform, but I did remember my countless childhood endeavors trying to create my own "manga" volumes based on my characters (only to quit once I lost interest), and have also managed to complete several "American-style comic" volumes about my characters and their adventures. I remembered how much fun I had in making those comics. And I wanted to try it in a more serious manner this time, at least once in my life.
I know it won't be easy; in fact, creating a comic would require double or triple the amount of effort it takes to just write a book without having to worry about pictures and shot composition. But I believe to a person of my situation, who wants to write culturally nonspecific fiction and fantasy, but have no competitive edge to publish their works in either Korea and the US, and have dabbled a bit in drawing, a comic is probably the best way to go about things.
I know that my comic won't be a success; that my first work would probably suck. I also know that there would be moments where I am too depressed to work or spend hours filled with regret on my personal mission or feel guilty for not working on it enough.
But everyone has to start from somewhere.
Throughout my life, friends, family and acquaintances told me that I was a good writer. I wanted to write my own book, a bestseller just like the Harry Potter series! I thought. This was also more or less encouraged by my mother, who loved the idea of her child becoming an author so much that it became her own personal dream as well.
To a highly privileged, highly sheltered, academically excelling teenager, everything seemed simple; I will go to a good college and major in literature, graduate and get a good job, and then finally write my masterpiece that will, inevitably, become the next Harry Potter series.
I am now thirty years old and laugh at how shockingly naive past me had been.
My mother still hopes that I will write and publish a novel some day, but I don't know if it will ever be that easy.
For starters, I am a Korean national married to an American, and I am planning to spend the next chapter of my life in the United States in the foreseeable future. But due to multiple personal reasons I intend to retain my South Korean nationality if I could help it.
Would an American publishing agent ever have the motivation to publish the works of a Korean national? The answer is probably no, unless said Korean national had something unique and irreplaceable that they could offer to the American publishing agent, like incredible knowledge about South Korean history or culture, things like that. Things that are important, yes, but things that I am not necessarily interested in writing about at the current stage of my life.
This is to say, I don't want to write about Korean things just because I am Korean. I realize that representation and identity politics are important, but for me, the expectation that one MUST write about Korean things because they are Korean seems suffocating, like being pigeonholed into another stereotype. I realize everyone has different thoughts on this matter but that is my honest opinion.
Besides, I have not grown up as a racial minority in America. Despite having grown up as a culturally confused third culture kid, racially speaking, my sense of identity is more rooted to that of being a racial majority in South Korea.
Then why don't you publish in Korea, where there will be no weird racial and national expectations put upon you? The problem THERE is that my Korean writing is nowhere near as good as my writing in English. During my internship at a newspaper company, I was told by a journalist that my Korean writing needed work - until I told her that I had barely lived in Korea during the then twenty five years of my life. She quickly switched gears and said that my Korean writing was amazing considering my life situation. THAT is the extent of my Korean writing skills; good for someone who was barely educated in it, but very, very far from being journalistic or literature material from an objective standpoint.
So what is a person like me, a Korean national who can't write well enough in Korean to crack into the Korean literature scene, yet has nothing appealing to offer to the Anglosphere do?
Meanwhile, I have also heard from friends, family and acquaintances throughout my life that I was a good artist. Of course, I am far from the best, and after my artistic hiatus in college and grad school, where I barely drew anything with effort, my skills have definitely gotten rusty. But generally, I noticed that I had been able to draw more complicated shapes compared to others, and I would get compliments for it.
Despite being told all my life that I was a good artist, I kept my artistic endeavors secondary to my writing as my mother determined that a writing-based career would be more valuable in the long run compared to an art-based career. And I agreed with her for two reasons; one, I was a very picky artist and essentially hated drawing things that others dictated for me, which is... the entire point of an art career. Second, I drew well but had very little sense of design or composition, qualities that would carry one much further in more realistic art-based careers such as graphic design.
I did think to myself that I would like to illustrate my own book if the opportunity allowed it, but the idea to make a comic did not occur to me until 2016, when I suddenly thought of a bunch of original characters which got me back into drawing more regularly.
I really wanted to share the images and stories of my characters with others, and for that there already existed a perfect medium; comics. More precisely, webcomics.
I had never formally worked on a comic, as in, I have never self-published or posted any webcomics to a website or any comic platform, but I did remember my countless childhood endeavors trying to create my own "manga" volumes based on my characters (only to quit once I lost interest), and have also managed to complete several "American-style comic" volumes about my characters and their adventures. I remembered how much fun I had in making those comics. And I wanted to try it in a more serious manner this time, at least once in my life.
I know it won't be easy; in fact, creating a comic would require double or triple the amount of effort it takes to just write a book without having to worry about pictures and shot composition. But I believe to a person of my situation, who wants to write culturally nonspecific fiction and fantasy, but have no competitive edge to publish their works in either Korea and the US, and have dabbled a bit in drawing, a comic is probably the best way to go about things.
I know that my comic won't be a success; that my first work would probably suck. I also know that there would be moments where I am too depressed to work or spend hours filled with regret on my personal mission or feel guilty for not working on it enough.
But everyone has to start from somewhere.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Anime Analysis: Sarazanmai
While other 29-year olds of the world spent their weekends reading Important Adult Books, doing Important Adult Things and Taking Relaxing Adult Breaks, I, on the other hand, found out about Sarazanmai and watched the whole thing over the weekend.
I named this post Anime Analysis so I can match it with my other post, "Anime Analysis: Yuri on Ice", but this isn't so much of an analysis as it is an... impression. Why?
Because I don't know if I have the brainpower, cultural knowledge, or the sanity to properly analyze whatever the hell was going on in this series.
I will now proceed to just kind of ramble about this anime for a while.
Synopsis: (from MyAnimelist)
Kazuki Yasaka, an 8th grader living in Asakusa, is turned into a Kappa along with his classmates Toi and Enta by a mysterious creature named Keppi, after they break inadvertently a statue of a Kappa, the guardian god of the city. They are then ordered by Keppi, who claims to be the first heir to the throne of Kappa Kingdom, to fight against the Kapa-zombies, bioarms created by his enemies, if they want to return to their human form.
In order to kill them, they have to make a specific sound called "Sarazanmai" which is produced only when the three of them are united, but the three boys cannot connect at first. In addition, one of their secrets is revealed to each other every time they emit the sound! They finally accept to take risks to collect the "Plates of Hope," given by Keppi when they defeat the Kapa-zombies, and which can make their wishes come true.
However, some trouble occurs over the plates...! Along the course of the fights against the Kapa-zombies, their fierce past and inner conflicts keep getting revealed. This is the sarcastic fantasy of three boys who don't feel connected to their important ones, getting to realize the real meaning of bonds.
TL;DR review summary: IT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD BUT IT GETS GOOD I SWEAR TO GOD.
1. I cannot stress enough how fucking weird and bizarre the series is. The entire reason I post this on my now dead blog instead of like, anywhere else is because I want to talk about this a lot but I just... can't. The below image kind of explains everything.
2. The series has a lot of butts and butt imagery and it's... honestly hard to stomach it but apparently it's all part of some Japanese folklore involving the Kappa. I dunno man, Japan is fucking weird sometimes.
3. Whoever is reading this, don't run away and keep reading because, BECAUSE, BECAUSE, in spite of all the distressing anal imagery, this show has heart. It has genuine heart and tells the story of three troubled middle-schoolers trying to cope with their lives and connect with those dear to them.
4. I started watching Sarazanmai in the first place after the show ended in Japan due to the sheer volume of Korean otaku screaming about how good of a show this was: it's really weird but it's so good, they said, you have to watch it to understand, they said.
5. At first I was hesitant to watch it because it seemed like it would be some coming of age story about three middle school boys and I honestly wasn't interested in some barely pubescent children tackle issues about growing up.
But you know what? The show made me care about these boys.
And it's not because these boys are troubled (the boys as a whole are way more troubled than any average 14-year-old has the right to). As the story progressed, you learn about the boy's lives and secrets and traumas, and juxtaposed with how young and vulnerable and full of heart they are, you just get to root for them. You want these boys to be happy. You want these boys to have better lives. And you finally understand why you just gotta keep watching in spite of all the weird Japanese Butt Stuff.
6. I also liked that the show wasn't afraid to pull its punches. In my post on Yuri on Ice, I complained that the characters' actions did not have any consequences and whatever they did did not matter at the end.
In Sarazanmai, actions definitely have consequences. Lies are exposed, secrets are leaked out, crimes are answered for, and only honesty and genuine communication save any of the characters and get them their desired consequences. I liked that.
7. You know what else Sarazanmai did right? Being unambiguously and unapologetically gay. One of the protagonists, Enta, has a non-ambiguous, actual and literal gay crush on his childhood friend Kazuki.
I'm sorry for constantly comparing this with Yuri on Ice and dissing the former show but THIS is how you handle gay stuff, Yuri on Ice! Not with homoerotic fan service and ambiguous are-they-or-aren't-they relationships, but with actual, clear statements about how gay your gay characters are! Fuck you, Yuri on Ice!
8. Now that I've said enough about the boys and the show's plot, I shall now ramble on about my personal favorite part of the show: the antagonists, The Hot Otter Cops.
What finally got me convinced to watch Sarazanmai were google image results of these pretty boys and the fact that they exist. Middle school boys tackle growing up? Ehh... THESE pretty boys are also in the show? Sign me the fuck up!
I love how extra they are, and their song-and-dance sequence is just the Fucking Most.
And if you thought these Hot Otter Cops seem a bit homoerotic, it's because... well, spoilers, they're also unambiguously gay. The Hot Otter Cops antagonize the three boys throughout the story because they got their own desires and purposes to fulfill, which involves the fact that they are lovers who lost something important to them.
I did wish the show focused on their backstory a little bit more because their story arc seemed a little bit rushed compared to the middle school boys' stories, but I enjoyed every screentime they got all the same.
9. So... once I got used to the SHEER FUCKING WEIRDNESS and all the anal imagery, I enjoyed watching this series very much. I would recommend it to people if not for the fact that the initial premise is an insanely hard sell.
But trust me, it gets good, it gets better. You won't regret having watched it. It's also only 11 episodes long so it's an easy series to breeze through.
You should probably watch it alone or with a very trusting companion, though.
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Doodle Diaries: Foray into Instagram
I made an art account on instagram!
Link to account: https://www.instagram.com/baekho_draw/
There aren't a lot of posts yet and I have literally zero followers at the moment, but hey.
I'll mostly be posting on my account now instead of this blog, which only has like, 2-3 actual readers at most.
Link to account: https://www.instagram.com/baekho_draw/
There aren't a lot of posts yet and I have literally zero followers at the moment, but hey.
I'll mostly be posting on my account now instead of this blog, which only has like, 2-3 actual readers at most.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Doodle Diaries: Digital drawings, H1 2018
All digital drawings from January - June 2018.
I drew a lot in the beginning of the year, then depression got the better of me towards mid-late spring and then I hardly drew anything.
Anyway, here they are.
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| 2018/01/08 I like using my high school as backgrounds. The colors came out nice in this one. |
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| 2018/01/14 YJS's quest to use every pattern provided by Clip Studio Paint as backgrounds continues. |
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| 2018/01/21 First time using 3D models as backgrounds! |
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| 2018/02/05 Everyone came out looking kind of chunky. More experimentation using patterns and backgrounds. |
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| 2018/02/07 I still like how this one came out. Starting to solidify how to line and color. |
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| 2018/03/04 Tried a bunch of experiments on this, such as 3D model posing, different pens, different brushes. I don't like how it came out, decided to stick with the way I usually line and color. |
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| 2018/03/04 Used a photo reference for the go-cart and photo for road background. I like that I was able to convey a sense of action in this one. |
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| 2018/03/27 Used photo references for poses. I think I'm starting to get the hang of how to shade. It was fun designing clothes for them. |
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| 2018/04/16 Spring fashion, part 2. Also used photo reference for poses. |
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| 2018/04/21 My school makes for excellent backgrounds. It was fun adding backlight on them to match the background. |
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| 2018/06/28 The first drawing I did after a long bout of not drawing anything digitally. Relieved to find that I haven't lost any skills during the absence. |
Monday, April 2, 2018
Doodle Diaries: I drew another 3-page thing again
(Link to look at my older, shittier attempt at a 3-page comic thing from last year.)
I attempted a 3-page comic again. This time I thumbnailed the panel layout before drawing but didn't work on writing, so the dialogue came after I drew things out.
Once again, there isn't much going on in terms of story. I just wanted to see how I would do drawing in comic format now that my coloring sucks a little less.
Page 1 (Finished March 23)
This was my first time using the comic format in Clip Studio Paint so this page took forever.
I tried to add more variety into the background compared to my old comic, where I just filled the panels with lockers. I could have put more effort, but this was the most effort I could give before being completely bored by it.
I used a thinner line and a G-pen to make it look less outline-y, which I think I half-succeeded. I'm getting closer to the type of look I want my digital art to have, but I need to figure out a few more things.
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Page 2 (Finished March 25)
I liked the interaction between Ran and Marie. Their body languages are distinct and adds to the scene.
I should probably use a different font next time.
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Page 3 (Finished April 2)
I know this page is kind of empty. Kind of a layout fail on my part. I could have used more dynamic body language or different face expressions to liven things up.
You can also see that I stopped giving a shit about backgrounds.
I added gradients on the clothes this time, which seemed to add more dimension, but it's still not quite the look that I am aiming for when drawing.
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Better-looking than last year, but still VERY amateurish. I don't know if it's the coloring or composition or what. The flat backgrounds probably didn't help.
Some day, YJS. Some day.
I attempted a 3-page comic again. This time I thumbnailed the panel layout before drawing but didn't work on writing, so the dialogue came after I drew things out.
Once again, there isn't much going on in terms of story. I just wanted to see how I would do drawing in comic format now that my coloring sucks a little less.
Page 1 (Finished March 23)
This was my first time using the comic format in Clip Studio Paint so this page took forever.
I tried to add more variety into the background compared to my old comic, where I just filled the panels with lockers. I could have put more effort, but this was the most effort I could give before being completely bored by it.
I used a thinner line and a G-pen to make it look less outline-y, which I think I half-succeeded. I'm getting closer to the type of look I want my digital art to have, but I need to figure out a few more things.
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Page 2 (Finished March 25)
I liked the interaction between Ran and Marie. Their body languages are distinct and adds to the scene.
I should probably use a different font next time.
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Page 3 (Finished April 2)
I know this page is kind of empty. Kind of a layout fail on my part. I could have used more dynamic body language or different face expressions to liven things up.
You can also see that I stopped giving a shit about backgrounds.
I added gradients on the clothes this time, which seemed to add more dimension, but it's still not quite the look that I am aiming for when drawing.
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Better-looking than last year, but still VERY amateurish. I don't know if it's the coloring or composition or what. The flat backgrounds probably didn't help.
Some day, YJS. Some day.
Doodle Diaries: Doodles, two years
Been two years since I started to draw regularly again.
I made a post last year comparing 2016 and 2017 doodles, so I thought it was natural that I update my comparison.
Let's start off with people being lovey-dovey.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DRAW THIS PROPERLY.
It's called "Use a reference, you idiot".
Now they finally look like they're interacting with each other.
I don't know why I didn't think to do that earlier.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018.
I turned her around, haha.
It took two years for me to actually put a miffed face expression on her like I intended.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I feel like he's getting longer and skinnier. And pointier.
I like how he's the only one who's essentially remained the same.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I totally forgot that that is how I first drew him.
Somehow I feel like the 2017 picture is better than the 2018 one...?
I don't know why I made him hold a juice box.
There isn't a huge jump in skills between 2017 and 2018 compared to 2016 and 2017, but something does look slightly different.
Whoo, comparison posts.
I made a post last year comparing 2016 and 2017 doodles, so I thought it was natural that I update my comparison.
Let's start off with people being lovey-dovey.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DRAW THIS PROPERLY.
It's called "Use a reference, you idiot".
Now they finally look like they're interacting with each other.
I don't know why I didn't think to do that earlier.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018.
I turned her around, haha.
It took two years for me to actually put a miffed face expression on her like I intended.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I feel like he's getting longer and skinnier. And pointier.
I like how he's the only one who's essentially remained the same.
From left to right: 2016, 2017, 2018
I totally forgot that that is how I first drew him.
Somehow I feel like the 2017 picture is better than the 2018 one...?
I don't know why I made him hold a juice box.
There isn't a huge jump in skills between 2017 and 2018 compared to 2016 and 2017, but something does look slightly different.
Whoo, comparison posts.
Monday, March 26, 2018
YJS, on the brink of turning 28
I'm going to be 28 years old on Saturday.
I am already 29 in Korean age, but Korean age is bullshit and I refuse to live 1-2 years older than everyone else in the world, so 27 going on 28 I am.
And I don't really know who I am asides from that.
I'm not talking about my upbringing - I'm a culturally confused Third Culture Kid and that is okay and I've made peace with that. I mean that I don't know who I AM.
What is my key personality? What am I best known for? Do I have expertise in anything?
I feel like I don't have an answer for any of those questions.
Since I was young, I rather disliked the notion of being known for one thing, whatever it may be. For me, it was usually drawing; I was the Kid Who Draws.
And that felt suffocating. I have other interests and thoughts and feelings other than drawing, I thought. I am me! I refuse to be pigeonholed into just the Kid Who Draws!
Perhaps it was because of this attitude, but I never managed to delve really deep into anything all my life.
I read a lot as a child. I read fiction. But I never challenged myself to read nonfiction nor did I have any favorite authors whose books I obsessively tracked down. I liked stories, not the people or the craft behind it. And eventually I began to read less for leisure.
I like writing. But I don't have anyone whose writing style I love, nor do I have any writing mentors. I only know that I like writing simply and concisely, getting the message across as efficiently as possible, artistic value be damned.
I am doing journalism. But I don't have any favorite reporters whose stories I obsessively follow, nor am I subscribed to a million newspapers (I just read/watch the news like a regular person does). I don't have any grand aspirations of winning a Pulitzer or reporting a challenging story. I don't have some burning drive of Searching For Journalistic Truth.
And drawing. Oh, drawing. I never went to art school - I felt like I would be wasting my writing opportunities if I went to art school. Also, I hated doing what others told me to and only wanted to draw what I wanted, which I reckoned was the wrong attitude to have anyway if I wanted to do art for a living. I also balked at the price of drawing tablets and didn't buy one until I was 26, while most people start drawing digitally at 13 or so. As a result, I know how to draw, but I can and will never draw as well as professional artists, even though it is one of my greatest passions.
I never delved deeply into other long-term hobbies like I should have. Obsessing over things that wasn't school stuff or job stuff felt like a waste of time. I never cared to learn about the kendo spirit or analyze moves beyond the basics. I never practiced my violin in my spare time, and I never poured in my heart and soul when playing, resulting in a soulless, mechanical screech that sounded more like dying chickens than actual music. I never gave 100% when playing tennis, resulting in my skills never improving.
I didn't study deeply into anything I ever did because I wanted spare time. Spare time to do... nothing, essentially; just kill time and sleep and watch cat videos or whatever. I never cared because I didn't want to be known for That One Thing and got lazy with life, and now I'm here, unable to do a good job of anything.
Maybe I SHOULD have cared more about all the things I did. Maybe then I'd be good at at least one thing by now, or at least have an identity that others can recognize me by. Right now I'm just... me. A lazy, pessimistic, antisocial person who isn't an expert at anything and easily crumbles under the slightest stress. A rather uninteresting and useless person.
It's probably too late to do anything about it by now since I'm nearing 30 and officially getting Too Old for Things.
I am already 29 in Korean age, but Korean age is bullshit and I refuse to live 1-2 years older than everyone else in the world, so 27 going on 28 I am.
And I don't really know who I am asides from that.
I'm not talking about my upbringing - I'm a culturally confused Third Culture Kid and that is okay and I've made peace with that. I mean that I don't know who I AM.
What is my key personality? What am I best known for? Do I have expertise in anything?
I feel like I don't have an answer for any of those questions.
Since I was young, I rather disliked the notion of being known for one thing, whatever it may be. For me, it was usually drawing; I was the Kid Who Draws.
And that felt suffocating. I have other interests and thoughts and feelings other than drawing, I thought. I am me! I refuse to be pigeonholed into just the Kid Who Draws!
Perhaps it was because of this attitude, but I never managed to delve really deep into anything all my life.
I read a lot as a child. I read fiction. But I never challenged myself to read nonfiction nor did I have any favorite authors whose books I obsessively tracked down. I liked stories, not the people or the craft behind it. And eventually I began to read less for leisure.
I like writing. But I don't have anyone whose writing style I love, nor do I have any writing mentors. I only know that I like writing simply and concisely, getting the message across as efficiently as possible, artistic value be damned.
I am doing journalism. But I don't have any favorite reporters whose stories I obsessively follow, nor am I subscribed to a million newspapers (I just read/watch the news like a regular person does). I don't have any grand aspirations of winning a Pulitzer or reporting a challenging story. I don't have some burning drive of Searching For Journalistic Truth.
And drawing. Oh, drawing. I never went to art school - I felt like I would be wasting my writing opportunities if I went to art school. Also, I hated doing what others told me to and only wanted to draw what I wanted, which I reckoned was the wrong attitude to have anyway if I wanted to do art for a living. I also balked at the price of drawing tablets and didn't buy one until I was 26, while most people start drawing digitally at 13 or so. As a result, I know how to draw, but I can and will never draw as well as professional artists, even though it is one of my greatest passions.
I never delved deeply into other long-term hobbies like I should have. Obsessing over things that wasn't school stuff or job stuff felt like a waste of time. I never cared to learn about the kendo spirit or analyze moves beyond the basics. I never practiced my violin in my spare time, and I never poured in my heart and soul when playing, resulting in a soulless, mechanical screech that sounded more like dying chickens than actual music. I never gave 100% when playing tennis, resulting in my skills never improving.
I didn't study deeply into anything I ever did because I wanted spare time. Spare time to do... nothing, essentially; just kill time and sleep and watch cat videos or whatever. I never cared because I didn't want to be known for That One Thing and got lazy with life, and now I'm here, unable to do a good job of anything.
Maybe I SHOULD have cared more about all the things I did. Maybe then I'd be good at at least one thing by now, or at least have an identity that others can recognize me by. Right now I'm just... me. A lazy, pessimistic, antisocial person who isn't an expert at anything and easily crumbles under the slightest stress. A rather uninteresting and useless person.
It's probably too late to do anything about it by now since I'm nearing 30 and officially getting Too Old for Things.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Doodle Diaries: I don't know what is wrong with my drawings plz help, part 2
(Continued from Part 1)
TL;DR summary: I am really, really bad at lining and coloring my drawings on the computer, despite doing everything that I should be doing. My drawings look okay enough as pencil sketches, but look flat and amateurish once I line and color them.
(Exhibit A: my drawing from July, and a quick replication done by pencil on Dec 31)
After the whole series of critiques from last time, I watched a bunch of lining and coloring tutorials and speedpaint videos on YouTube, just like I did when I first began drawing digitally.
I haven't missed anything; I already do all the things that the videos do. But everyone else's art looks great while mine does not. I do not understand this fuckery.
I was starting to reach the conclusion that my drawings "just suck". Hear me out, I have actual reasons for saying this:
1) My lines just don't look nice and I have trouble with making some parts thick and some parts thin, which adds dimension to drawings.
2) I suck at picking nice colors. Color combos have not been my strong point since childhood.
3) I still suck at details such as clothes folds and clothes wrinkles and skin folds and hair parts.
If this is really the reason that my drawings don't look nice, there isn't much I can do other than draw more until things come out right.
So I tried another test drawing. My goal this time was to do the usual things I do, but 1) be super meticulous with colors, and 2) be better about details like hair and clothes.
Process summary below.
Huh.
Wait.
The end result... doesn't look terrible?
I created layers upon layers for this drawing, constantly adjusting color levels until it looked "right". Was color choice my problem all along?!
I need to try another drawing.
The drawing looks less refined since I used an old doodle for reference, but this also looks okay...?
So color choice and details are indeed a few of my problems.
Next I tried to work a bit on lines: I used a vector layer to line my next drawing instead of a regular layer, and tried to adjust line thickness.
The left looks fine with the black lines; I needed to color the lines on the right for it to look the way I wanted it to.
So lines may also be a factor I need to pay attention to as well.
...
I guess the primary problem with my drawings was that they indeed "sucked" and I need to be more meticulous when I draw.
Okay then.
Whoever said "Drawing digitally makes your drawings look less crappy because you can color them in which hides flaws" needs to have a word with me.
TL;DR summary: I am really, really bad at lining and coloring my drawings on the computer, despite doing everything that I should be doing. My drawings look okay enough as pencil sketches, but look flat and amateurish once I line and color them.
(Exhibit A: my drawing from July, and a quick replication done by pencil on Dec 31)
After the whole series of critiques from last time, I watched a bunch of lining and coloring tutorials and speedpaint videos on YouTube, just like I did when I first began drawing digitally.
I haven't missed anything; I already do all the things that the videos do. But everyone else's art looks great while mine does not. I do not understand this fuckery.
I was starting to reach the conclusion that my drawings "just suck". Hear me out, I have actual reasons for saying this:
1) My lines just don't look nice and I have trouble with making some parts thick and some parts thin, which adds dimension to drawings.
2) I suck at picking nice colors. Color combos have not been my strong point since childhood.
3) I still suck at details such as clothes folds and clothes wrinkles and skin folds and hair parts.
If this is really the reason that my drawings don't look nice, there isn't much I can do other than draw more until things come out right.
So I tried another test drawing. My goal this time was to do the usual things I do, but 1) be super meticulous with colors, and 2) be better about details like hair and clothes.
Process summary below.
 |
| Lineart |
 |
| Flat colors |
 |
| Shadows and highlights |
 |
| Colored the lines instead of having them black |
Huh.
Wait.
The end result... doesn't look terrible?
I created layers upon layers for this drawing, constantly adjusting color levels until it looked "right". Was color choice my problem all along?!
I need to try another drawing.
 |
| I used an old, old doodle I did on scrap paper in 2016 as reference. |
 |
| Lined, colored, background, colored lines. |
The drawing looks less refined since I used an old doodle for reference, but this also looks okay...?
So color choice and details are indeed a few of my problems.
Next I tried to work a bit on lines: I used a vector layer to line my next drawing instead of a regular layer, and tried to adjust line thickness.
 |
| Yes, I am absolutely going to use every pattern on CSP as backgrounds. I also forgot to highlight their hair but I spent too much time on this so I'm moving on. |
The left looks fine with the black lines; I needed to color the lines on the right for it to look the way I wanted it to.
So lines may also be a factor I need to pay attention to as well.
...
I guess the primary problem with my drawings was that they indeed "sucked" and I need to be more meticulous when I draw.
Okay then.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Doodle Diaries: I don't know what is wrong with my drawings plz help (feat. tiny reaction pics)
It's been almost two years since I tried my hand at digital drawing, but I still wasn't satisfied with how they came out.
I looked at how other people lined and colored and I replicated that in my own drawings, but it did not come out the way I wanted it to. At times it looked worse than my simple pencil doodles. I could not figure out why.
Robert kept telling me that my end results kept on looking flat, despite my coloring and shading.
"I dunno, it just needs more... dimension?" Robert said.
Dimension? How?
I looked at how other people lined and colored and I replicated that in my own drawings, but it did not come out the way I wanted it to. At times it looked worse than my simple pencil doodles. I could not figure out why.
"I dunno, it just needs more... dimension?" Robert said.
Dimension? How?
I drew a bunch of test pictures and pestered asked Robert for critique.
"Color scheme okay. I think it fits as decent. But the colors and so need to be worked on. What are you aiming for?" Robert asked.
"Just looking like not done by a n00b on deviantart. Like if you look at the picture you'd assume I downloaded it from a tumblr site of a semi-known online artist."
"What would a semi known artist be?"
"Color scheme okay. I think it fits as decent. But the colors and so need to be worked on. What are you aiming for?" Robert asked.
"Just looking like not done by a n00b on deviantart. Like if you look at the picture you'd assume I downloaded it from a tumblr site of a semi-known online artist."
"What would a semi known artist be?"
"Good enough to make cheap prints and sell at a con,"
"Ah, not quite yet," Robert said, providing honest feedback.
(Yeah, I know.)
If my pictures apparently lack dimension, maybe I should try adding a buttload of textures on hair and stuff. I always did neglect coloring on hair.
"I haven't seen you use more than two colors for hair," Robert had told me before.
But despite putting in a lot of effort, I didn't really like how Test 2 came out.
Y: Still looks kinda flat, even though that hair took fucking forever. So much for texture. There is something else going on and idk what.
R: It does look better.
Y: Something about face is odd.
R: The face looks kind of not attached to the head? But I think the other parts are better.
Y: I see.
R: I don't think it looks flat so much as the face looks blank. Idk why but that shows up more in your colored pictures.
ARGH.
A few days later, I drew two more test pictures and sent them to Robert.
They both looked amateurish to me still, but I felt like I was getting closer to the look I am aiming for.
Y: So how is test 3 and 4?
R: They are good, but as you said something to improve on. Posture in 3 is fine but I think the shadows on chin make it look like she has a goatee, and makes it seem too much. I think where you placed the neck in 4 seems a bit off.
Y: Do they look like they have dimension?
R: 4 a bit, 3 not quite.
Y: What about coloring and shading?
R: I think the shading relates to dimension
Y: ...I don't get what you're saying
R: In terms of do things feel like they have dimension
Y: Do I just suck at shading????
R: I wouldn't say that
Y: HOW DO I NEED TO MAKE THINGS LOOK LIKE IT HAS DIMENSION
R: Ask the internet?
Y: orz
R: I think you have less issues in black and white.
Y: Why do i have problems when I color then?! What is wrong with me?!
R: Nothing is wrong with you, maybe it's how you color?
Y: But what do I need to do tho?
R: Idk, figure out color shading
(To be continued in Part 2)
"Ah, not quite yet," Robert said, providing honest feedback.
(Yeah, I know.)
If my pictures apparently lack dimension, maybe I should try adding a buttload of textures on hair and stuff. I always did neglect coloring on hair.
"I haven't seen you use more than two colors for hair," Robert had told me before.
But despite putting in a lot of effort, I didn't really like how Test 2 came out.
Y: Still looks kinda flat, even though that hair took fucking forever. So much for texture. There is something else going on and idk what.
R: It does look better.
Y: Something about face is odd.
R: The face looks kind of not attached to the head? But I think the other parts are better.
Y: I see.
R: I don't think it looks flat so much as the face looks blank. Idk why but that shows up more in your colored pictures.
ARGH.
They both looked amateurish to me still, but I felt like I was getting closer to the look I am aiming for.
Y: So how is test 3 and 4?
R: They are good, but as you said something to improve on. Posture in 3 is fine but I think the shadows on chin make it look like she has a goatee, and makes it seem too much. I think where you placed the neck in 4 seems a bit off.
Y: Do they look like they have dimension?
R: 4 a bit, 3 not quite.
Y: What about coloring and shading?
R: I think the shading relates to dimension
Y: ...I don't get what you're saying
R: In terms of do things feel like they have dimension
R: I wouldn't say that
Y: HOW DO I NEED TO MAKE THINGS LOOK LIKE IT HAS DIMENSION
R: Ask the internet?
Y: orz
R: I think you have less issues in black and white.
Y: Why do i have problems when I color then?! What is wrong with me?!
R: Nothing is wrong with you, maybe it's how you color?
Y: But what do I need to do tho?
R: Idk, figure out color shading
(To be continued in Part 2)
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