Several days ago I came across news that a person I knew has died.

I wouldn't say that we were friends; I'm not even sure if we can call each other acquaintances. We only got to know each other because she lived right across me in freshman year, and my freshman roommate became fast friends with her. Our only communication after that was just a smile and a wave when we walked into each other on campus.

Nevertheless, the news was still shocking and difficult to take. Unlike the last time this happened, I actually exchanged conversation with her. I am Facebook friends with her and, when I sifted through my contacts after a spark of memory, I found that I even had her number, although I don't think I ever used it.

Even though I had almost no contact with her for the past three years, I found myself still trying to make sense of it all, not quite believing what happened, trying not to ask sensitive questions like why and how. Seeing how she made a difference to so many people, though she and I barely touched the surface of each other's worlds.

And then I remembered that I had one significant moment with her in the past, though brief. I thought I ought to put it here, as I don't feel too comfortable sharing such a tiny anecdote in a much more public sphere, where there are people who know her much better and are taking the loss much harder than what I can ever imagine.

*

August 2008. I was miserable and I looked like a red panda. I had forgotten to apply sunscreen while watching a football game, and as a result I was severly sunburnt, from my face all the way down to my arms.

It was the second or third week of staying all alone in Ann Arbor, miles apart from my family and starting university life in a strange place I've never been. If I was able to fight off loneliness and homesickness so far, the sunburn was making it increasingly difficult. It didn't help that I didn't know how to deal with a sunburn either; I never had to deal with anything worse than a tan before.

When ice packs and ointments failed to make any difference, I desperately asked students around me for advice.

It was then that she asked why I wasn't using aloe gel. I looked back at her blankly.
"What's aloe gel?" I asked stupidly.

The fact that I didn't know what it was irked me; it was advertising my status as international student in neon signs. Due to the loneliness, I didn't like American students finding out that I was an international student. The last thing I wanted was feeling even more isolated than I already was, seeing their perceptions switch gear and treat me like the other shy international kids with broken English.

But she didn't judge. She didn't even say "Oh, you never heard of it before?". She simply went back to her room, retrieved her bottle and squeezed a bit out for me to see.
"It's really good for sunburns. I'm sure you can find it in pharmacies, but for now you can use mine," she said kindly as she handed me the bottle. I thanked her and returned to my room.

The aloe gel soothed my burning red skin immediately. I felt like I could finally relax. For about three days I got through the day with her bottle before I went out to buy my own, and I returned her bottle with a small present and a thank you note.

It was merely a small gesture of kindness on her part, but for a lonely and scared foreign student, the kindness was much appreciated. During that short moment, I felt less alone.

*

Thank you, and rest in peace.

Officially recording my worst Birthday's eve

I was sleep-deprived, and it was raining violently today.

And then I had nothing to eat but pumpkin seeds and almonds until 5PM.

At 5, I wolfed down some beef lasagna and broccoli for dinner.

And then I started getting headaches.

As well as stomachaches.

And at 11 PM, I threw up everything I ate today.

(and now I hereby rescind my comment that I rarely vomit - having vomited a grand total of three times this past two months, I now apparently throw up often. Perhaps the stress of college has finally gotten to me.)

As if I didn't feel lousy that people were missing/busy/not giving a crap about my birthday party.

At least some people are attending and at least some of them have legitimate reasons for why they can't make it.

This is officially the worst Birthday's eve I've had so far.

Life as 22 had better be awesometastic to make up for this.

I hate direct sunlight

Yesterday, we drew outdoors for art class. We were supposed to draw buildings for our project.

The sun was very bright, but so far it was managable.

But as time passed, the sun moved higher up in the sky.

Having no sunglasses, I took my blouse and made a makeshift hat to keep the sun out of my eyes, and I kept drawing.

But more time passed, and the sun was now directly over my head.

It got difficult to see, so I lowered my blouse and kept on drawing my building, because one should not give up so easily.

But the more I tried, the more I realized it was futile.

The sun was reflected against the white paper and was scarring my eyes. I could no longer look up because the sun was right above my head. My eyes were watering and my left eye had problems with seeing now.

So I had to give up, and I went back to the classroom to crouch in a corner to recover my eyesight.

I welcome warm weather, but I hate direct sunlight.

THE END.

Why do I always attract pamphlet people?

People asking me for directions wasn't the only people that I randomly attracted from the streets. I forgot to mention that I also attract people giving me pamphlets or trying to give me a sermon, mostly from crazy religious people.

Let me be clear that I don't look down on religion at all. But the ones who do stop me in the streets are usually the crazy pseudo-religion scam-you-of-your-money sort, or the crazy Jesus-beliving minority sect that normal Christians don't consider legitimate sort.

As I was walking down the stairs of my apartment at 10AM, a not-quite-young man (early-mid 30s) and an old man (mid-50s?) were downstairs where the mailboxes were. The not-quite-young man (whom I shall now refer as Pamphlet Man) called out to me.

In Korean.

Pamphlet Man: Hello, are you Korean?

Me: (confused, slightly startled; he can tell I'm Korean?) Uh, yes.

Pamphlet Man: Well, hello. (steps out of mailbox area, moves closer) Spring break is over now, yes?

Me: Yes.

Pamphlet Man: Ah, well, we wished to talk to you a few about about Jesus and religion, if you don't mind. It's written here... (rummages through packets of pamphelts)

Me: (Oh god, not again! Why do I always get approached by these people?)

Pamphlet Man: (rummage rummage)

Me: Um, I'm sorry, I'm kind of in a hurry at the moment, so-

Pamphlet Man : Ah, are you now?

Me: -so if you could just give me one of your pamphlets, I'll read it through. (Please, just let me go!)

I was being honest: I was sort of in a hurry; I needed to watch an assigned movie at the library before class started at 11:30 AM.

Pamphlet Man: I see. Well, if you are in a hurry, the things we wanted to ask you about are in our flyers (takes out two pamphlets and hands it to me)

One of them was called, "What kind of person is Jesus?" and another was "What to do with Angry People"

Me: (The fuck? "Angry people"?)

Pamphlet Man: But we'd like to come again and ask more questions next time. What is your name?

Me: (Shit!) Y**** (real name).

Perhaps I should have lied about my name. But then the old man (who never spoke a word) was still in peering over the mailboxes. I didn't want them to not find anything in the mailbox and give me a lecture about lying to people and going to hell or something like that.

Pamphlet Man: Y****, huh? (him and old man peers into mailbox) Um, I can't find your name-

Me: (Oh my god, are you stupid? I just told you my real name!)

Pamphlet Man: -can you tell me which apartment you're in?

Me: (Um, NO.) It's there.

Pamphlet Man: Well, okay, then. But we'd like to visit you again and talk about this more in-depth. Goodbye then.

Me: (shitshitshitshitshitshit) Goodbye.

I leave my apartment completely. I gingerly look at what's written in the pamphlets, but they're just about the same old thing every crazy religious pamphlets write about.

This is hardly the first time that I received Korean religious pamphlets in Ann Arbor. They've ended up in my mailbox several times now.

Why do people do this? I don't care if other people have religions or not. Religion itself is not bad. But I grew up in a non-religious household with two non-religious parents. Hell, even my extended familes are non-religious. And I've been just fine in terms or morality or ethics or other such things.

I've been to church for about two months or so a long time ago, and I've visited Buddhist temples. I know how it's like. And it's really not my thing. I don't mind other people being religious, but I do not appreciate having it shoved down my throat.

ESPECIALLY FROM SHADIER SECTS THAT ALWAYS HAND ME PAMPHLETS.

EVERY DAMN TIME.

As for whether they'll visit again... I'm going to pretend I don't speak Korean.

And top 7 fictional girls

Since I made an entry about fictional guys, I thought perhaps I could try making an entry on fictional girls.

My relationship with fictional girls are a bit different with that of fictional guys, namely because I am a probably mostly heterosexual girl and did not have that many girlcrushes. Also, I don't have as many favorite girl characters compared to guy characters. Make of that what you will.

After contemplating shortly on why I liked the characters I liked, the affection usually came in four varieties.

1. Girls who I identified with

These are the characters who had one or more similar traits as I did, and I loved them because they were like me, but awesomer! Who wouldn't like to identify with cool characters?

Sailor Jupiter from Sailor Moon

Identifiable factor:

• She's a tomboy.
• Realistic hairstyle: a single ponytail.
• She likes cooking. Cooking is fun.

Awesome factor:

• She's super tough and won't take no shit from no one.
• She's still conventionally attractive but not in a girly-girl way.
• THUNDER POWER.

Claudia Kishi from The Babysitters Club series

Identifiable factor:

• Asian (You know what? Putting a token Asian in a predominantly White cast TOTALLY WORKS. You become aware that the Asian is well, ASIAN, and you pay attention to the character whether you like him/her or not. It's like a goddamned light attracting bugs at night.)
• Artistic
• Insatiable sweet tooth

Awesome factor:

• Fashionable
• Silky long hair 
• Clear complexion and thin figure despite stuffing her face with sugar every day. (LIES!!!)

2. Girls who I want to be like

The categories are pretty self-evident. When you look at them on screen (or paper), you sigh wistfully, and wish that you could be just like them. Simple as that.

Lina Inverse from Slayers series

Awesome factor:

• Really powerful soceress
• Cool cape (I love cool capes, I cannot lie...)
• Tough, simple, hungry for money and food. This is a lady who is honest with herself and doesn't need to act like something she isn't to prove herself.

(The only thing that baffles me is her constant angst about her apparently tiny breasts. Um, Lina, honey? Those are normal-sized breasts. They're not "flat as a board". The joke would only work if, you know, you didn't have AVERAGE BOOBS to begin with!)

Zelda from The Legend of Zelda series

Awesome factor:

• Graceful and elegant
• Is very wise
• In some versions, she can transform into a ninja-warrior type alter ego.

3. Girls who invoke a protective instinct

Some girls I can't help but like because they stir a type of protective instinct in me. These are the girls you want to give a big hug and promise that you'll protect them forever and ever. I'm... not sure why I feel that way for certain frailer characters. I don't think the feelings are particularly romantic... perhaps I just like being a sort of knight figure to others.

Tohru Sohma from Fruits Basket

Protective factor:

• Infinitely kind and caring, but hides her own sadness and problems.
• Self-sacrificial
• Rather innocent and ditzy
• Reminds me of one of my good friends, who was just like Tohru in almost every way and I wanted to protect her forever and ever.

Skyward Sword version Zelda

Okay, maybe this is sort of cheating since I'm listing Zelda twice, but the distinction must be made. This version of Zelda is rather different.

Protective factor:

• Oh god you're so waifish and adorable! Those shoulders are so thin and tiny!
• Cheerful and innocent
• Kind and caring
• Will defend you against bullies. Sweet as she may be, she is no sheep or doormat.

4. Girlcrushes

These are the characters that are just so awesome that you just kind of revel at their majesty. You may want to be like them, but you know you don't even have half of what it takes to be remotely like them, so you just... crush on them.

Major General Olivier Mira Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist

Two things first:
1. All the female FMA characters are all sorts of awesome, but she's here because she is the fiercest... or highest-ranking, or well, she is very memorable.
2. So apparently "Olivier Mira" is the official romanization. Sigh... I still think Olivia sounds more natural for a lady's name. But whatever.

Awesome factor:

• She's a major general. In a military-state where men dominate the high-ranking positions. Think about how much power she has or what she had to do to get there. Damn.
• Really strong and isn't afraid of anything
• Fierce and commanding
• Cold and merciless to enemies. She will take no shit from you. Ever.
• Extremely practical and has high standards ("survival of the fittest"!)
• Quick and adaptable
• Even with how strong she is, she realizes the value of her men and is supportive and protective of them, and thus has their undying loyalty. Think Mama Bear.
• This is a character with layers: quoting fmawiki, she is "a deceptively caring and selfless individual, prone to taking great risks in order to protect the lives and well-being of those who have placed their trust in her." Squee.

Um... I guess I only really ever had one major girlcrush, but that's it!

Suddenly, my top 10 fictional guys.

After watching the Nostalgia Chick's Top Ten "Hottest" Animated Guys, the consistent characteristic that most girls find "hot" in a guy is apparently, a "project" - the stereotypical "bad guy" with a heart of gold that we ladies can love and nurture and ~change~ into an all around perfect guy.

Okay, it was a little more detailed than that - there were nice guys and good-looking guys there too, but as a whole, bad boys (or men) was one of the clearer themes. I usually am one of those who think the "girls love bad boys" trope is just an overexaggerated theme that everyone mistakenly believes, but seeing the list, I suppose bad boys ARE attractive to a good chunk of women after all. (Really?! Frollo?! I worry for the fellow women.)

Which made me list my top ten list and see what I find attractive in a man. I expanded the critera to include all nerdy media, and I also have no cutoff date, so my fictional crushes range from innocent childhood crushes to not-as-innocent adolescent crushes. I wouldn't have had ten characters otherwise! Soooo, here they are...

10) Kuro-bon/Black bomber from Bomberman Bidaman Bakugaiden, season 1 and 2

Goodbye, my dignity.

YES, I USED TO CRUSH ON A FUCKING BOMBERMAN.
AAAAARGH.
This is so very embarrassing to admit you don't even know. Even when I crushed on him at the age of TEN I thought it was embarrassing as hell. Who the hell gets attracted to a blobby thing with no mouth and stubby flesh-colored limbs?!
This is why you should never watch anything out of habit: you WILL find someone to like.

HOT factor:

• He's the "cool one" - stoic, powerful, and... yes, dark and brooding (he did have a legitimate reason to angst in season 1, he was searching for his missing brother who may or may not be evil and/or dead). I liked him less when he had no reason to angst and was still dark and brooding in season 2.
• He was the best-looking one out of all the other blobby bombermen. Yeah, when you have no mouths and a weird anatomy, this will be the definition of handsome. 
• Also, he had a cape. Capes are cool.

9) Drago from Juuni Senshi Bakuretsu Eto Ranger

Apparently it's so obscure, this is just about what turns up on Google.
Obviously, Drago is the dragon on the right.

Apparently almost no one in the US have heard of this show. But if you were a Korean kid in the 90's, you definitely remembered this show. Hell, this show alone probably taught a generation of Korean kids the order of the Chinese Zodiac. I can still sing the entire Korean opening song for this. This show is awesome, end of story.

HOT factor:

• He was calm and collected in most situations, and he seemed to be among the most mature ones in the entire cast. 
• He was also one of the strongest; he can into a REAL DRAGON as a power-up, and then he breathes fire and controls the weather and have huge wings and everything! What's not to like?
• Also, DAT TURBAN. Turbans are cool.

8) Lance from Pokemon Special manga

This is not the Lance from your wimpy Pokeyman games! >:D

Indeed the one I crushed on was the one from the manga adaptation. This Lance is not just the boss of the Elite Four. His agenda is to kill all the humans (except those he deems are "good") because they are destroying the environment and inadvertently killing Pokemon. Yes, he was an environmentalist of the most extreme and nutty sort.

HOT factor:

• Although his reason for wanting to wipe out humanity is batshit, you get to see where he is coming from, He had to helplessly watch his beloved Pokemon die from pollution. He couldn't do anything to save his friends, you saw his horror, anguish, and eventually anger. Evil as he is, you gotta admire how steadfast he is in his motivation and insane agenda. This is a man who is faithful to his principles.
• Being the leader of the Elite Four, Lance is an immensely powerful Pokemon trainer.
• He's a handsome man. A sociopathic man, but still handsome.
• DAT CAPE. The cape alone probably added 20% of the appeal. That is one FABULOUS CAPE. And then he has a red leather jacket underneath that cape. How fashionable!

7) Hatsuharu Sohma from Fruits Basket

AKA one of the most mood whiplash manga ever. The first half is a lighthearted comedy with some heartwarming moments, until you go to the second half and find out everyone, EVERYONE in the story needs therapy. Also, they turn into animals.

HOT factor:

• He dresses nice and has white and black hair. Pretty cool.
• He is spacey and directionally challenged and so chill about everything, it's adorable. Until he gets mad and goes on a rampage. Then it's funny.
• Most importantly, he is faithful and loving. His family head doesn't want him to date Rin, and they physically and emotionally abuse both Haru and Rin. And Rin already has enough traumatic issues to deal with. And yet, no matter how much his girlfriend pushes him away (so that he won't get hurt) and suffers from her past, he is always there, being a moral support, constantly loving her and believing in her. SUCH A GREAT GUY.

6) Link from Legend of Zelda

I didn't quite know where to place him - I mostly crushed on Link based on the Legend of Zelda manga adaptations, rather than playing the games. Somehow it didn't feel "legit". But Link came much easier to mind than Haru did, so he's #6.


HOT factor:

• He's good-looking.
• He wields an awesome sword and he knows how to use it!
• Personality-wise he's a bit bland since he's supposed to be a blank "avatar" that we relate to, but Link's general personality is supposed to be brave, determined, and virtuous. These are good traits.

5) Suoh from CLAMP Academy Detectives

Do they look like elementary kids to you?
Also, Suoh is the kid with blue hair

While I like this series, you gotta admit it's WEIRD AS HELL. They're elementary school students whose brain/fighting/cooking skills are superhuman and match the most skilled adults. They go to an extremely rich school-city and solve cases in order to "make women happy". The two younger boys (3rd and 4th grade repectively) are in a relationship with KINDERGARTEN GIRLS. Try reading that last sentence without making some sort of "Oh god why" face. Thankfully, everything about this series is wholesome and innocent and PG, otherwise I would have dropped this like a hot potato.

HOT factor:

• He is incredibly skilled in multiple martial arts.
• He is the quiet and stoic one.
• He is also the bodyguard for Yellow-hair on his right, and he will protect his patron with his LIFE. And he will forever stay a loyal bodyguard and confidant. HE WILL PROTECT YOU FOREVER.
• Even with all his fighting, he is still romantic enough to fall in love with a girl who plays a flute under the cherry blossom tree. D'awww.

4) Knuckles the Echidna from Sonic the Hedgehog

I only have one thing to say.
DON'T JUDGE ME KNUCKLES WAS MY FAVORITE AS A CHILD OKAY

HOT factor:

• He can glide and climb on walls and he's strong.
• NICE SHOES. Yes, they look like Legoes. I see no problem with this.
• He lives on a floating island.
• He has to forever guard a shiny green rock to prevent his island from sinking. He has a given duty, and he will fulfill his duty under any circumstances. VERY RESPONSIBLE.
• The naiivety that comes due to his isolated situation is kind of endearing. (Until SEGA butchered him into a dumbfuck who punches walls with an unhealthy green rock attachment, anyway.)
• He has a NICE HAT in one of the anime adaptations:

LOOK AT THAT HAT.

3) Rei from Beyblade

Above from season 2, below from season 1.

YES, I ALSO CRUSHED ON A CHARACTER FROM A TOP-SPINNING CARTOON.
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
At least this is less embarrassing to admit than FUCKING BOMBERMAN. I think what amuses me about this series is the inconsistent art style among all three seasons. Was it so hard to agree on a design you liked?

HOT Factor:

• He's mature and level-headed.
• Cool costume, cool hairstyle, looks adorable.
• He's skilled with the art of plastic top-spinning (and it has a white tiger motif! cool.)
• He's faithful to those he loves - friend turned against you? Friend/crush got brainwashed and attacking you? Teammate joined the Russians to defeat you? REI WILL STILL LOVE YOU. Moreover, he will try to help you get back to normal and be good friends again.
• He looks ridiculously pretty when his hair is down. All that long, silky black hair billowing in the wind! To my shock, Google image search does not have decent pictures of Rei with his hair down.

2) Wild Tiger/Kotetsu T. Kaburagi from Tiger and Bunny

YOUR EYES ARE SO SHINY.

I have already professed my love for the man in an earlier blog post. And even after the show is over, he still remains very high on my list. Best superhero ever.

HOT factor:

• WHY IS HE SO RIDICULOUSLY HANDSOME THIS IS CHEATING.
• Very stylish, even has a NICE HAT to boot.
• Extremely fit and agile. Have you seen him run around in civillian mode?
• Even with his minding everyone's business, he is understanding and will kindly leave you alone if you need to be alone. Otherwise HE WILL BE THERE BY YOUR SIDE AND BE THE BEST LIFE COACH EVER.
• He only ever wants to help those in need.
• He is also very faithful to his friends, family, and especially his late wife.

1) Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist

I am so very biased, but Fullmetal Alchemist still remains one of my most favorite manga series ever. Solid plot, well-developed characters, orignial universe, good art. It's just the best. I can only dream of creating such a wonderful story as this series have.

HOT factor:

• He can fight well.
• He's not bad looking at all. And he's pretty damn well built.
• He's a genius. Literally. He was smart enough to be a state alchemist, an intelligence post at the military, at the age of twelve. BRAINS ARE SEXY.
• Has a dashing red coat and rocks a man-braid.
• Even if you knock him down he will rise again. His determination is undefeatable. Which is pretty cool, until you realize he had to put up a brave front so as to not let down the ones he love. SO MUCH LOVE.
• He loves and respects his family, friends, and acquaintances, and HE WILL PROTECT THEM.

So there it is. If I were to find a similarity among all my fictional crushes, it would roughly be something like:

1. Good combat skills
2. Dashing good looks
3. Fashionable
4. Loyal
5. Responsible
6. Mature

SEE? Not all girls are into the "bad boy" archetype. If anything, I find respectable men attractive! Well that, and they're handsome and good at martial arts, of course.

The end!

The Beginning of the End of Chilling

Hmm, I'm at home, eating home food, reading, sleeping, surfing on the Internet and chatting with my family! What is it that I should be doing right now?

Oh right, being more productive with my free time.

Ever since coming home for break I've been teetering on that slippery slope between chilling and being a little too lazy, and now with about five days left of my time here, perhaps I should start being a little more productive again.

This is hardly a New Year's resolution (hell, it's still 2011), but some things I do need to do this break, not in any particular order of significance, is...

1) Play more Skyward Sword

It's my first attempt at seriously playing a video game (which was one of my leisurely goals for a while), and I've left it alone for like four or five days now. Yes, I probably won't be able to finish it before break's over and I can continue playing in the summer, but I would still like to get past that goddamn spider in the dungeon and at least finish the first boss.

I even planned to do a blog post (that about two people will read) about it! I must save the post from being forever buried in the "saved" archives.

2) Greet friends for the New Year

I was simultaneously too lazy and too occupied (yes, this is possible) to greet everyone a Happy Holidays, and I feel horrible for skimping out on Fumiko's birthday save for a Facebook wall post when she still mails me presents for my birthday like clockwork. I haven't e-mailed Minju in a while either. To rectify this, I must wish my friends a Happy New Year.

3) GRE

Well, that's one thing I've actually been doing, thankfully. I still must remind myself to finish the book before I hop on the plane like I planned.

4) Finish The Solitaire Mystery, and maybe re-read Sophie's World while you're at it

I've been re-reading The Solitaire Mystery and I am loving it. It's actually been a while that I've forgotten much of the details of the book, so it's almost like reading a new book. Almost. It'd be fun re-reading Sophie's World too, now that I'm a college senior and would probably comprehend the book much better than when I was in high school.

I do enjoy Jostein Gaarder's books.

5) Make the blog more interesting

The question is, how?

I couldn't help but notice that my blog posts became less of "funny stuff that happened that I record" and more of "let me ramble without a goal or purpose for five whole pages"

I still don't know who checks my blogs and if they still do anymore (I mean I haven't updated, and I disabled the comments section. HMM WAIT A MINUTE-). But I do want to continue the blog and make interesting posts for myself and others.

I think the whole thing has to do with how I really don't go out much in general. There's only so much I can write about on stuff I think about, and nothing really happens when you wake up, wash, go to class, eat, do homework and sleep.

And kendo. But I feel too self-conscious to write about my physical and mental development and inner growth and all that. IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY AAAAAH. And other than that, the only thing I can do is just list what I've learned and who I sparred against ("Dear Diary, today Watanabe sensei taught us how to do such-and-such moves, and I did jigeiko against Mike and Brian. Antai doesn't really count because he just lets me hit his head over and over again until I am sufficiently speedy and in good form. Like always.").

Somehow I seem to lose the ability to write in an entertaining manner as I grow older. Or is it that I've become a stuffy and boring adult? Gasp!

Edit: I have decided to leave comments un-disabled! Or should I say activated? abled? Switched on? Turned on? (that doesn't sound right)

No one is obligated to comment, of course. But maybe, just MAYBE, if anyone writes something, it might be an incentive to update regularly. MAYBE.