He then suggested that we watch "Predators" on cinema yesterday. It seems interesting, he says.
Predators?!
I try to do my best to turn down the offer as politely as I could. I try to divert his attention to "Inception", which I wouldn't mind re-watching. He seems bored. I suggest "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" instead, at least that will be more entertaining than Predators! He asks if "The Expendables" (another testosterone-riddled film) isn't on cinema yet. No, it isn't, dad. I tried not waking up my dad yesterday from his nap, but he woke up on time anyways and urged me to get dressed.
Let's watch Predators! Dad says, pronouncing the title "Preh-di-AY-tors".
Somebody help me.
Yes, I could have just said, "No, I don't want to watch Preh-di-AY-tors, it seems really bad", but then my dad is pretty stressed with work as of current, as his business negotiation is dragging longer than anticipated. Manly movies make him feel better. If he wanted to watch it so much, who am I do take that away from him? Better to just grin and bear it.
I decide that if I can't enjoy this movie, I'll just be snarky about it with all my might.
So the movie starts off with a bunch of people waking up from freefall, only to find themselves stranded in a strange forest terrain. The hero of the movie is an American soldier who refuses to reveal his name, and who looks and acts like a testosterone-riddled douchebag. Other members include an old Mexican drug enforcer, a Russian soldier, ablack RUF member, a Japanese Yakuza, a doctor, and an ex-convict who, I recall, was described as, "FBI's most wanted criminal". Oh, also, an American female soldier, beautiful and skilled and knowledgable and just pretty much all around perfect.
>> I see what's going on; the Predators will kill them one by one, and then the American man and woman are going to be the last ones to survive. How predictable. Also, what is with the female characters in Hollywood blockbusters being beautiful and talented and flawless? Forget about girls needing role models, real women aren't that perfect! Women can have flaws, too, you know, and only a handful of them are actually beautiful! That woman is a male fantasy combined with feminist ideas, not a real character!
And speak no more of the Japanese Yakuza, who's silent and not visibly freaked out by all this. Because he's the "Cool Asian", calm and collected and doing cool martial arts stuff. Bet five dollars that he's going to do some "Cool Asian action" later in the film. God, this movie is already stereotypical.
After a bit of wandering around, they realize that they're in an alien planet, and they still don't know why the hell they were chosen and thrown off on this island. Suddenly, they are attacked by alien creatures, and they try with all their might to fend them off. After they escape generally unharmed, they realize that, oh hey, the Mexican man is missing.
>> Ethnic cleansing, commence!
Turns out that the Mexican guy seems to be injured and is calling for help. They think of helping, but our protagonist douchebag says it's a trap and everybody goes their merry way. Sure enough, it's revealed to be a trap, and the Mexican man is already dead.
>>Nice try with trying to avoid the whole "Black guy dies first", movie, but the black guy will die pretty soon. In fact, I think he might just be the next one to go.
And in fact, the next guy to die is... the RUF guy.
>> No brains are required to predict the outcome of this movie.
Next, the female soldier calls out on our hero for using them as bait to see who the killers are, which resulted in the black guy dying. The hero is all, "Yes, at least we know who they are now" and is pretty cool about it. Later, he uses the doctor as bait to try and snipe another Predator.
>>Maybe it's time we started worrying about male role models instead. That guy may be good at surviving, but he's a complete bastard.
The cast then meets another black guy, who's been dispatched here "ten seasons ago" and is still surviving. Naturally, he knows a bit about what's going on here.
>> Oh, hello, Morpheus!
They all chill at his hideout, where a bunch of foreshadowing of the future points of the movie occurs. 1) The criminal is completely messed up, with his early comments about wanting to do drugs and quote, "raping bitches time", and then we see that he also had experience with brother-sister incest.
>>I... do stuff like that fulfill categories for "FBI's most wanted?" I mean, they're all bad crimes, yes, but aren't FBI's wanted criminals have done something far more worse, like murder a bunch of people or plot acts of terrorism, something like that? This is just like, the movie needed to show the audience that's he's a dangerous criminal, so they made him commit all sorts of sick things people can think of. At any rate, his chance of survival is thinning.
2) The Japanese Yakuza speaks for the first time, and shows great interest in a very old katana stowed in the hideout.
>>Which means he will do "Cool Asian stuff" with a katana. See why Hollywood needs to use Japanese people as Cool Asians? They'll do cool stuff with a katana!
3) Morpheus (the guy had a different name in the film, but I can't remember) mentions a Predator spaceship.
>> Gasp! Maybe the hero will try to use that as a means to escape!
4) The Russian guy shows people photos of his children.
>> **BIG RED SIGN** HE'S GOING TO DIE.
To make things short, Morpheus tries to kill all the cast, Predators invade hideout, running away ensues, Morpheus dies first.
>> All the black people die first, huh? Is there a hierarchy for ethnic minorities in this movie or something?
Then the Russian guy dies next.
>> Of course.
Later, when the remaining people seems to have escaped safely, a Predator turns up, and the criminal dies.
>> Huh. Thought he'd survive till the end to wreck havoc to the remaining cast. Oh, well, I guess somebody else will.
The cast runs away to a very grassy field with tall grass, another Predator shows up, Japanese Yakuza tells other to go away, and a samurai-esque fight using the katana ensues.
>> I KNEW IT! And that's why they had to run away to a very grassy field!
Katana fight takes up a lot of screen time.
>> Men! Kote! Do! Do! Kote! Do! (Taking up kendo will make you analyze moves.)
Yakuza kills Predator, Predator collapses and dies, Yakuza collapses from injury and also dies.
>> Stereotypical to a T. Also, ethnic cleansing, complete!
Now we have the doctor, the chick, and the hero. Doctor gets injured. Chick wants to help him, hero says he's dead weight now and wants to leave him. In the end, the hero goes to spaceship alone.
>> Douche~!
Chick and doctor gets captured by Predators, hero finds ship, blah blah blah. Fast forward to the doctor turning out to be a bad guy. He stabs the chick with a scapel that has paralyzing poison in it.
>> Huh, what?! Well, okay, so the guy wrecking havoc is the doctor!
So the doctor turns out to have been a serial killer back on Earth. He gives a little speech to the chick, and I quote, "Back there... I was the freak. But here? With all these monsters? I'm normal! I want to stay here."
>> WHAT.
Okay, first off, Being just about the only human in a planet full of ugly aliens DOESN'T make you normal. You'd still be considered a freak in that planet! Second of all, THE PREDATORS ARE OUT TO KILL YOU. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?! Also, what did stabbing the chick do to help your cause?! Now they'll know you're the bad guy and they'll kill you. Good job, idiot!
Then it turns out that the hero did not take the ship after all, which is fine and dandy, since the ship got blown up anyway, and he returns to 1) rescue the chick 2) use the doctor as a grenade-ridden bait to lure the Predator and 3) kill off the Predators while shirtless.
>> Aaaaargh, testosterone! Aaaaaaaargh! Stab, stab, pew, pew, pew!
Also, didn't he state earlier that injured people were dead weight? Why is he helping the chick, now, then? She's paralyzed, therefore DEAD WEIGHT. Oh, he's being all nice and caring to her now? So, you're only dead weight unless you're a hot, skilled chick? Forget about the doctor being a bad guy, the hero is a hypocritical jerk!
So, the Predators are all dead, for now. The surviving hero and the heroine of the movie finally reveal their names to each other, and the audience.
Hero: (soft, kind voice) I'm Royce.
Heroine: (smiles) I'm Isabelle.
>> Oh, okay, they tell us their names RIGHT AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. I'm soooooooo impressed!
Look at the tension between the two! It's like they'll start doing it right away if the environment was a little less hostile! Oh, and it's morning now, they're sleeping side by side, awwww, how romantic, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?
So ROYCE and ISABELLE sees more soldiers being parachuted down from the sky, which, we never find out the reason about.
Royce: Okay... now, let's find a way to get off this f***ing planet.
The two walk away, fade out, THE END.
Cue credits with completely unfitting rock and roll music.
>>That's it?! Way to be anticlimactic! The movie sucks! There's no plot, it's stereoptypical to a painful degree, and the characters are not likeable, relatable, or even redeemable. What was the purpose of this movie?!
Well, at least I hope my dad liked it.
However, as my dad and I walked out the theater, dad says,
"The movie was not as good as expected, wasn't it? It had no plot."
WHAT.
I turn around in disbelief. "You're the one who wanted to watch it so much! We watched this movie because you wanted to!"
"I know. I just thought it would be interesting. There's no plot it this movie at all."
"It's a movie about alien creatures killing people. You expected plot?!"
"Well, at least an explanation to why they were there and all. There was nothing. Maybe we should have watched 'The Socerer's Apprentice'."
"I've been telling you we should watch that instead! Where were you when I told you that?!"
"We can watch that next week!"
...
THANKS, DAD, I just watched a really bad movie for nothing.
At least we had sushi for dinner.
